Mommy Guilt

I think I'm going to have to give up this idea of blogging about "chunks" of time in Caleb's life. When I was pregnant, I blogged weekly about everything that happened in the previous week. Now that Caleb's here, I keep thinking I'm going to catalog the time in this blog, and it's not happening! There is never time to blog and then when there is, I can't seem to remember what happened day to day. The week just sort of blurs together and when I think about an entire stretch of time as long as a week, it seems like nothing has really happened except the routine of taking care of the baby.

I decided instead to just blog about the current moment whenever I get a chance and feel like blogging. So I won't be catching up about Caleb's last dr. appointment (except he's doing great at weighs almost 9 pounds now!), this weeks trip to the office and BRU, and the lacatation consultant.

Right now Caleb is resting on my lap. He just had a full bottle of breastmilk which is great for us because it takes me 2 or 3 pumping sessions to get that much for him. We had a pretty up and down couple of days with breastfeeding this week, which I won't go into all the details, but I was all over the place emotionally - from feeling hopeful thinking that I was finally going to be able to breastfeed normally, to feeling totally frustrated and dissappointed again and having the "this is never going to work" mentality. Finally after much discussion with Ethan, we decided that although if I stick with it, there is a possibility that we could still make this whole breastfeeding thing work, the amount of stress and frustration it is causing me is not worth it and we are better off just bottle feeding. It's such a tough decision for me to make, but ultimately, we have to do what is right for all of the family. I cannot say I don't feel guilty about this, even though everyone tells me I have tried so hard and don't have anything to feel guilty about. I think it's just something I have to deal with and it is what it is...I can't change wishing that things were easier and that the breastfeeding worked out. I sort of morn for my idea of what breastfeeding could have been like, and it's hard for me to let go of that.

There are a lot of things like that for me with parenting. I wish I hadn't had so many preconceived notions of what things should be like, because it does sometimes make it harder for me to just relax and enjoy the way things are. I do love being a mom, but it's moment by moment for me. For example, last night, we had a pretty rough night and Caleb was up from 2:30am to 5am, just fussing. I changed him, fed him, burped him, rocked him, fed him again, and nothing seemed to be working for him. At one point I just buried my face in my pillow and groaned and thought "What was I thinking having a baby?". Of course then I felt horrible even thinking that. Finally Caleb fell asleep on my chest and I put him in his bassinet, still feeling pretty frustrated. When I woke up this morning, Ethan had already gone downstairs and put Caleb in his sleep positioner (little pillows that keep him in place) on the bed next to me. I looked over and saw his sleepy little face, and was so in love with him all over again. So that's what it's like, for me, being a mom. Lots of ups and downs.

Anyway, Caleb just finished his meal, and I had to interrupt my typing because he suddenly got a horrible case of the hiccups and was spitting up a bit with each hiccup. I feel bad when he does that because he hiccups so violently and it just looks pretty uncomfortable! He typically gets the hiccups when he eats...I think it's because he eats pretty fast with the bottle. Also, I think his digestive system is still adjusting and he struggles a little with gas. I can't wait until this constant gassy/fussy/grunting stage is behind us! They say around 3 months is when they are able to regulate their digestive system a little better and it's not such a struggle for them.

Today is a beautiful day, and we are going to take Caleb on his first walk out in the sunshine on the Cedar River Trail in Renton. We've taken Caleb out a lot to stores and to visit people, but this will be our first outing just to enjoy time together as a family, and I'm looking forward to it. :)