Almost 3 weeks old

Caleb, Ethan and I have spent the last couple weeks trying to figure out this whole baby thing. :) It's been so busy! We have had a lot of visitors, guests, and appointments. Almost every day we've been out of the house running around - to doctors, the lactation consultant, to the grocery store to get food, or to target or Costco to buy formula and diapers. We've also been out for passover, which was fun and educational (I've never been to a seder before) and we've had several trips to Baby's R Us to get small things we missed. I was getting so exhausted - I told Ethan that I want one day with no appointments or visitors to just spend time with Caleb. Finally today we had a whole day with no appointments, and I didn't have to leave the house. It was awesome!

Caleb is doing really well now. He gained almost a whole pound in the past week and he now weighs over 7 pounds! He's still pretty sleepy, but he's starting to act more like a 'normal' newborn - having a lot more alert time, and even crying more often!

Someone asked me recently what surprised me most about being a parent. That was a tough question for me to answer, because I have to say, honestly almost nothing is like what I expected or planned for, from the birth on. Although honestly I was so focused on the experience of being pregnant, I didn't spend THAT much time thinking about the details of having a baby. The things I did imagine were sort of fuzzy, and very idealistic - visions of peacefully snuggling with the baby (which does happen sometimes, and is very nice). :)

The biggest example of this is probably breastfeeding. I know I talked a little about this in my last blog, but breastfeeding has been a huge struggle for me, and an on-going source of guilt, frustration and disappointment. Caleb was not a great 'sucker' from birth, and this led to problems. Because of his jaundice and weight loss, we started supplementing with formula right from the beginning. From there, he struggled with the SNS system, so we finger fed him. Finally, we started with a bottle. Bottom line is, Caleb has never had one successful breastfeeding session.

I have to confess, I sort of hate breastfeeding him. Every time we try, I get frustrated trying to get him to latch, and then waiting for him to suck and trying to keep him awake. Then even when things seem to be going ok, I know he isn't actually getting anything from me. (we did a before and after weighing at the lactation consultant, and he barely got 12 mLs after over 20 minutes). I pump 8-12 times a day and sometimes more, trying to get breast milk for him, but my milk supply isn't very good, and part of the problem with him learning to breastfeed is that my milk doesn't flow fast enough to keep him interested. I take fenugreek, which isn't helping much. My lactation consultant suggested Reglan, but I'm not sure about the side effects (potential depression), so I'm holding off on that.

I feel really guilty that I don't breastfeed him more and we end up giving him a bottle the majority of the time. It's not so much the nutrition - because I know plenty of formula fed babies that are healthy and thriving. It's the bonding time. I definitely envisioned have a special bond with Caleb that no one else would share, just me and him, and I feel like because I don't breastfeed I am depriving him of that special time. I also feel like it's my fault, even though I know we tried (and are still trying), I feel like maybe I don't try hard enough because I get frustrated with the amount of time and effort it takes to feed him and give up. It's a tough thing for me, but I know at the end of the day he's healthy and growing. I also try to give him extra snuggle time in his moby wrap and sleeping on my chest to make up for it.

Other than feeding Caleb (which is a huge part of life for me right now), he mostly sleeps. Just recently he started staying awake after some feedings, and he looks around at things. He likes lights and faces. I love watching his facial expressions and I can't wait until he starts making eye contact more and smiling at things. Now that he's awake a little more, we are trying out some of his toys. We set up his play gym today and he had his first attempt at tummy time. He really enjoyed looking at the bear that lights up and plays music.

Also, we finally got to start using his cloth diapers the past couple days! We couldn't use them at first because Caleb was so small, and because of his circumcision. I love using cloth diapers! They are cute (though still a bit big on him), and they aren't that hard to put on once you get a little practice. The best thing is that they don't make as much garbage, and you don't have to continually buy new ones. Worrying about running out of diapers and having to spend money on diapers only to go through 2 or 3 at a time during botched a diaper change sucks! The first time I put a cloth diaper on him, it leaked everywhere. But that is because I didn't put it on right. We use the angel wing fold now, and put the prefolded cloth under a Thirsties cover, and it's working out great so far. Here is a picture of the finished baby:

He's definitely a handsome little guy, and I feel so blessed to have him in my life. The best moments are when he falls asleep in my arms or snuggling on Ethan's chest and I watch him sleeping. Being a new parent is hard work, and sometimes it sucks (especially 3am feedings), but those little moments make it all worth it. :)