Oh How Life Has Changed

I had lunch plans with someone today, and they cancelled at the last minute. You know who you are :p. Now, it wasn't their fault, and I'm not mad or anything...but..

The thing is, I organized my whole day around that lunch! And it just strikes me as funny because it really brings home to me how different my life is now. Gone are the days when a 1pm lunch date meant sleeping in and plenty of time to get ready. Today I got up at 8:30, which is super early for me. I realize that doesn't seem early to most people, but it means less than 7 hours of sleep for me.

Last night Caleb had dinner at 8:30pm. I was hoping we'd do bath and bedtime by 9:30 or so, and if I were lucky, he'd sleep till midnight, giving me about 2 hours of sleep as well. No such luck. Caleb didn't feel like sleeping after his bath. So he fussed until 10:30pm, and I went ahead and fed him again. By the time he ate, burped, got his diaper changed, and was put in his bassinet it was 11:15. He fussed in his bassinet for a while and didn't want to sleep, so I put him on my chest and he slept in our bed like he usually does. Yes that's right, we bed share with the baby. It's not really by choice, but sometimes you do what you have to do to get some sleep. Finally around 11:30 we went to sleep. He was up at 1:30 to eat. So that's 2 hours of sleep for me.

We got lucky and he went back to sleep (in his bassinet!) by 2:30am and he didn't get up again until 5:30am, so I got another 3 hours (in a row!!). Then he was back asleep by 6:30, and we got up at 8:30. that means I got almost 7 hours of sleep, but all broken up, so it doesn't really feel like 7 hours. Usually I would go back to bed for an hour or two after his 8:30 feeding, but this morning I got up so I could get ready for our 1pm lunch date. Now, you might be thinking 5 hours is more than enough time to get ready. Barely.

Caleb got done eating, burping, and being changed by 9:30. I also had to fit a pumping session in there, so that takes a bit longer. I have mastered the art of pumping and bottle feeding Caleb at the same time. It's not comfortable at all, and sometimes it's messy, but it saves time. Anyway, I got him back in bed and swaddled, hoping he'd go back to sleep. He didn't but oh well, I let him fuss it out while I went downstairs to put dinner in the crock pot - bbq chicken tonight - and put some coffee on. Then I went upstairs to wash the bottles and the pump attachments. By the time I got in the shower it was after 10am. Thankfully Caleb quieted down on his own during this time, allowing momma to have a peaceful shower. I got out of the shower, hooked up the baby monitor and went downstairs to eat breakfast...where I found out that my lunch plans are cancelled.

So now it's after 11, and I was going to go upstairs and get dressed, blow dry my hair, put makeup on and feed Caleb one last time before we go out. It's important to feed the baby as close as possible to the time before leaving the house to avoid fussiness while out and about. Now I don't have to do any of that and I have a whole free 45 minutes while Caleb sleeps. So I have time to blog! yay! And I don't have to put on regular pants and can wear PJ's for most of the day. Another plus. I don't mind wearing regular pants, I just don't have any that actually fit! haha :)

I was kind of looking forward to getting out of the house though. Yesterday I left Caleb with Ethan and took a trip to the grocery store just to have a reason to get out :)

Anyway, if, like me pre-baby, you have ever wondered why people say it takes them forever to get out of the house with a baby, this is why. And I'm sure that my friends who already have babies totally understand what a production it is trying to plan out a day with an infant in tow.

I hope this doesn't sound like a big complaint-fest...it's not really meant to be - more like documentation of my current reality. The day is very routine, just very busy. In a way it's easy to plan things out, even though it takes forever to get around to doing the things that I used to take for granted, like taking a shower and blow-drying my hair. I wonder if life will ever go back to the way it used to be pre-baby. I kind of think it won't, because even though he will eventually sleep through the night, and feeding/burping/changing won't take so much time, there will be other things that take up that time.

I do have a ton more respect for stay at home moms. I always suspected it was a difficult job, and now I know it is! The hard thing about it isn't the work of being a mom - that's great and so rewarding - it's the fact that it just never ends. It's 24/7/365. When you are a stay at home mom, it's like you are always on duty, and nothing ever changes. Of course the routine changes as the baby grows, but it's still the same work, every day, day after day. Even if I leave the baby with Ethan for a while, it's not like I'm having a complete break, because I'm still wearing my mom hat and thinking about how long until the next feeding or whatever. I think it's not the same for Ethan in that way, because he can rely on me to keep track of all of that stuff. It's much easier for him to just put the baby aside and do other things, because he knows that I am on top of it. It's not a criticism, it's just the way things are.

I'm glad I'm going back to work. The hardest thing about that will be missing the 1:1 time with Caleb, but honestly, I'm not one for routine. :) I can't wait to get back to my office and computers and meetings with grown-ups. I know it's going to make me appreciate being with him so much more as well when we do have quality time together.

Mommy Guilt

I think I'm going to have to give up this idea of blogging about "chunks" of time in Caleb's life. When I was pregnant, I blogged weekly about everything that happened in the previous week. Now that Caleb's here, I keep thinking I'm going to catalog the time in this blog, and it's not happening! There is never time to blog and then when there is, I can't seem to remember what happened day to day. The week just sort of blurs together and when I think about an entire stretch of time as long as a week, it seems like nothing has really happened except the routine of taking care of the baby.

I decided instead to just blog about the current moment whenever I get a chance and feel like blogging. So I won't be catching up about Caleb's last dr. appointment (except he's doing great at weighs almost 9 pounds now!), this weeks trip to the office and BRU, and the lacatation consultant.

Right now Caleb is resting on my lap. He just had a full bottle of breastmilk which is great for us because it takes me 2 or 3 pumping sessions to get that much for him. We had a pretty up and down couple of days with breastfeeding this week, which I won't go into all the details, but I was all over the place emotionally - from feeling hopeful thinking that I was finally going to be able to breastfeed normally, to feeling totally frustrated and dissappointed again and having the "this is never going to work" mentality. Finally after much discussion with Ethan, we decided that although if I stick with it, there is a possibility that we could still make this whole breastfeeding thing work, the amount of stress and frustration it is causing me is not worth it and we are better off just bottle feeding. It's such a tough decision for me to make, but ultimately, we have to do what is right for all of the family. I cannot say I don't feel guilty about this, even though everyone tells me I have tried so hard and don't have anything to feel guilty about. I think it's just something I have to deal with and it is what it is...I can't change wishing that things were easier and that the breastfeeding worked out. I sort of morn for my idea of what breastfeeding could have been like, and it's hard for me to let go of that.

There are a lot of things like that for me with parenting. I wish I hadn't had so many preconceived notions of what things should be like, because it does sometimes make it harder for me to just relax and enjoy the way things are. I do love being a mom, but it's moment by moment for me. For example, last night, we had a pretty rough night and Caleb was up from 2:30am to 5am, just fussing. I changed him, fed him, burped him, rocked him, fed him again, and nothing seemed to be working for him. At one point I just buried my face in my pillow and groaned and thought "What was I thinking having a baby?". Of course then I felt horrible even thinking that. Finally Caleb fell asleep on my chest and I put him in his bassinet, still feeling pretty frustrated. When I woke up this morning, Ethan had already gone downstairs and put Caleb in his sleep positioner (little pillows that keep him in place) on the bed next to me. I looked over and saw his sleepy little face, and was so in love with him all over again. So that's what it's like, for me, being a mom. Lots of ups and downs.

Anyway, Caleb just finished his meal, and I had to interrupt my typing because he suddenly got a horrible case of the hiccups and was spitting up a bit with each hiccup. I feel bad when he does that because he hiccups so violently and it just looks pretty uncomfortable! He typically gets the hiccups when he eats...I think it's because he eats pretty fast with the bottle. Also, I think his digestive system is still adjusting and he struggles a little with gas. I can't wait until this constant gassy/fussy/grunting stage is behind us! They say around 3 months is when they are able to regulate their digestive system a little better and it's not such a struggle for them.

Today is a beautiful day, and we are going to take Caleb on his first walk out in the sunshine on the Cedar River Trail in Renton. We've taken Caleb out a lot to stores and to visit people, but this will be our first outing just to enjoy time together as a family, and I'm looking forward to it. :)

Caleb is over 1 month old now. On his 1 month birthday he weight 8lbs and 6oz! That's more than 2 pounds over his birth weight, which is great, especially considering how much he lost the first week.

Things are going well on the homefront. Ethan went back to work, which means that I now take all the night feedings. Caleb gets up to eat every 2 or 3 hours, which means I get up 3 or 4 times a night to feed him. It sucks getting up all the time, but it's not so bad considering I can sleep in as late as I want to in the morning. :)

I was worried about Ethan going back to work, mostly because of the night time feeding issue, but actually it's not a big deal. I sleep in pretty late, and Ethan comes home around 2pm, so really it's not that much time without him around. Our routine is pretty simple right now. After Caleb gets up between 10am and 11am, we both stay up after that.

Caleb has started staying awake after his late morning feeding, so I try to keep him entertained in his swing or I put him in my moby wrap so I can get myself some breakfast and coffee (yay! Having my daily coffee is definitely a highlight!). Then I play with him for a while. Sometimes we do tummy time, but he doesn't do much. He does look at things now, which is fun. He likes to stare at pretty much anything that lights up. Yesterday, I was holding him on my lap and he totally started smiling at the wall. It was so cute! I can't wait until he actually smiles at me in response to me. He doesn't do that yet, but I'm thinking it's right around the corner now.

Anyway, after we play for a while, he will get hungry again around 1 or 2, so I feed him again, and then he usually fusses and then sleeps for a while. Then for the rest of the day, I feed him and he sleeps/fusses off and on. Usually in 2-3 hour intervals. Sometimes he has "calm and awake" time and we read to him or play with him, but that's not very often in the afternoon. Then it's time for bed. I'm trying to get him into a semi-bed time routine, which is eat/bath/book/bed. The start of his bed time is tough to predict though, it depends on when he eats. For example, last night we fed him at about 8:30, then bath at around 9pm, then we read him a book and it was almost 10pm by the time he got in his bassinet. But he didn't want to sleep, so he just fussed off and on and finally at about 11 I got him up to feed him. His actual bed time ended up being close to midnight.

So it's pretty routine right now. I guess my least favorite part of being a parent is the monotony of the routine. feed - sleep, it just never ends. I love being with Caleb, but I am also looking forward to going back to work eventually and having a non-baby centered part of my day to look forward to.

There is more to write about, including Ethan and my joining a new parents group called PEPs, a successful visit to the lactation consultant, and Caleb's first visit to my office to meet my co-workers, but the little guy is waking up and fussing, so that means it's time to feed him. :) I'm going to try to make a part 2 of this post in the next few days.

Almost 3 weeks old

Caleb, Ethan and I have spent the last couple weeks trying to figure out this whole baby thing. :) It's been so busy! We have had a lot of visitors, guests, and appointments. Almost every day we've been out of the house running around - to doctors, the lactation consultant, to the grocery store to get food, or to target or Costco to buy formula and diapers. We've also been out for passover, which was fun and educational (I've never been to a seder before) and we've had several trips to Baby's R Us to get small things we missed. I was getting so exhausted - I told Ethan that I want one day with no appointments or visitors to just spend time with Caleb. Finally today we had a whole day with no appointments, and I didn't have to leave the house. It was awesome!

Caleb is doing really well now. He gained almost a whole pound in the past week and he now weighs over 7 pounds! He's still pretty sleepy, but he's starting to act more like a 'normal' newborn - having a lot more alert time, and even crying more often!

Someone asked me recently what surprised me most about being a parent. That was a tough question for me to answer, because I have to say, honestly almost nothing is like what I expected or planned for, from the birth on. Although honestly I was so focused on the experience of being pregnant, I didn't spend THAT much time thinking about the details of having a baby. The things I did imagine were sort of fuzzy, and very idealistic - visions of peacefully snuggling with the baby (which does happen sometimes, and is very nice). :)

The biggest example of this is probably breastfeeding. I know I talked a little about this in my last blog, but breastfeeding has been a huge struggle for me, and an on-going source of guilt, frustration and disappointment. Caleb was not a great 'sucker' from birth, and this led to problems. Because of his jaundice and weight loss, we started supplementing with formula right from the beginning. From there, he struggled with the SNS system, so we finger fed him. Finally, we started with a bottle. Bottom line is, Caleb has never had one successful breastfeeding session.

I have to confess, I sort of hate breastfeeding him. Every time we try, I get frustrated trying to get him to latch, and then waiting for him to suck and trying to keep him awake. Then even when things seem to be going ok, I know he isn't actually getting anything from me. (we did a before and after weighing at the lactation consultant, and he barely got 12 mLs after over 20 minutes). I pump 8-12 times a day and sometimes more, trying to get breast milk for him, but my milk supply isn't very good, and part of the problem with him learning to breastfeed is that my milk doesn't flow fast enough to keep him interested. I take fenugreek, which isn't helping much. My lactation consultant suggested Reglan, but I'm not sure about the side effects (potential depression), so I'm holding off on that.

I feel really guilty that I don't breastfeed him more and we end up giving him a bottle the majority of the time. It's not so much the nutrition - because I know plenty of formula fed babies that are healthy and thriving. It's the bonding time. I definitely envisioned have a special bond with Caleb that no one else would share, just me and him, and I feel like because I don't breastfeed I am depriving him of that special time. I also feel like it's my fault, even though I know we tried (and are still trying), I feel like maybe I don't try hard enough because I get frustrated with the amount of time and effort it takes to feed him and give up. It's a tough thing for me, but I know at the end of the day he's healthy and growing. I also try to give him extra snuggle time in his moby wrap and sleeping on my chest to make up for it.

Other than feeding Caleb (which is a huge part of life for me right now), he mostly sleeps. Just recently he started staying awake after some feedings, and he looks around at things. He likes lights and faces. I love watching his facial expressions and I can't wait until he starts making eye contact more and smiling at things. Now that he's awake a little more, we are trying out some of his toys. We set up his play gym today and he had his first attempt at tummy time. He really enjoyed looking at the bear that lights up and plays music.

Also, we finally got to start using his cloth diapers the past couple days! We couldn't use them at first because Caleb was so small, and because of his circumcision. I love using cloth diapers! They are cute (though still a bit big on him), and they aren't that hard to put on once you get a little practice. The best thing is that they don't make as much garbage, and you don't have to continually buy new ones. Worrying about running out of diapers and having to spend money on diapers only to go through 2 or 3 at a time during botched a diaper change sucks! The first time I put a cloth diaper on him, it leaked everywhere. But that is because I didn't put it on right. We use the angel wing fold now, and put the prefolded cloth under a Thirsties cover, and it's working out great so far. Here is a picture of the finished baby:

He's definitely a handsome little guy, and I feel so blessed to have him in my life. The best moments are when he falls asleep in my arms or snuggling on Ethan's chest and I watch him sleeping. Being a new parent is hard work, and sometimes it sucks (especially 3am feedings), but those little moments make it all worth it. :)