ooopss...Bad Blogger!

I just realized I haven't posted in a couple months. Darnit, I really meant to keep up with the blog!

Not really for my followers (sorry guys) but because I love having this sort of public diary to look back and remember things that passed. It's so much fun reading about my pregnancy and all the silly things I thought then in my pre-mommy days ;)

Life with Caleb is great. He's changed SO much in the past 2 months. I need to make a "4-month" blog post and update the world on his progress. I read one of my friends blogs recently (Hi Becca) and I love how she writes the monthly baby updates as a sort of letter to the baby, so I might adopt that.

In short:

• Caleb coos a lot now. He has a great little voice. He doesn't really babble (bababa, dadada, etc) but makes a lot of OOOoooh and ahhh sounds.
• He is a lot more interactive. He smiles back when people smile and make faces at him.
• He getting really good at standing up and sitting. He doesn't make any effort to roll over at all though. Maybe he'll be one of those strange babies that goes straight to walking...
• He hates tummy time and doesn't get enough of it.
• He love grabbing at his toys! It's the cutest thing. He gets this really intense look on his face and focuses really hard. Then he moves his hand ever-so-slowly towards the toy until he has it. As soon as he manages to grab it he starts kicking his feet and waving his free arm around. So cute!
• Caleb loves music of all kinds. It's the best way (besides sucking on my pinky finger...ugh) to soothe him. I think we have a little musician on our hands!

And his parents are doing great too. We are loving every minute with our little guy.

I went back to work about a month ago, and life is busy! The biggest difference is that when I get home from work, I want to spend every second with the baby. Whereas before work, nap time for baby was a nice little break for me, now I'm like "oh dammit, he's taking such a long nap! I want to play with him!" The weekends are so wonderful because I get to spend all day with him. Social obligations that don't involve the baby are a bummer though. I don't really want to leave him with a babysitter on the weekends, considering I don't get to see him that much during the week. My time with C is precious, and anything that interrupts that had damn well better be good! :)

I do love being a working mom. I like having time to myself that doesn't revolve around the baby, and I love coming home to him at the end of the day and appreciating every second of him.

I feel somewhat defensive about it though, and I don't like that. I try to sound cool about it, but I hate it when people ask me what I "do" with the baby all day while I'm at work, mostly because it reminds me that someone else is taking care of my baby instead of me. That is by far the worst part of being a working mom, even though I feel blessed to have the ideal childcare situation with our wonderful nanny. I also feel guilty that I enjoy being away from Caleb at all. But you know what? No matter what you choose, there is going to be some judgement, and at some point you just have to say F-it and live your life.

I know that SAHMs feel like they are judged for not working, and working mom's feel like they are judged for working. Sometimes I wonder where all this judgement is coming from. I know it's mostly women judging each other, and I wonder - do we judge other women so harshly because it makes us feel less guilt about our own situation? I think that's it for me...

Having kids teaches us so many things. Here's to hoping I can come out of the parenthood adventure being a more open, less judgemental person.

Happy Mother's Day!

It's my first Mother's day!

Caleb is relaxing in his swing, happily admiring himself in the mirror (it's one of his favorite things to do LOL). Ethan went to the grocery store to do the shopping so I'm having some me time on the couch.

Looking back on my old blog posts and remembering the past couple months, I have to say that becoming a mom was a tough transition for me. It was a big change and I wasn't fully prepared..maybe you can't really ever be fully prepared for the enormity of having a baby. It's a lot different than what I expected, and I wasn't ready for my life to fully revolve around someone else.

As hard as those first few weeks were, and as stressed out as I was, it was obviously all worth it to have my beautiful little boy. Also, the adjustment, while difficult for me, happened pretty quickly and I feel so much more comfortable in my new role now than I did just a few short weeks ago. I think around 5 or 6 weeks was the turning point for me, when the balance shifted from being overwhelmed much of the time, to enjoying being with Caleb. That's probably due to a combination of factors - not least of which is Caleb sleeping longer stretches at night.

Now I can honestly say that I am loving being a mother. Every day gets a little bit better, and a little bit more fun! I love watching him grow, and he grows so fast! He seems to be constantly changing and always learning new things. Every time he smiles, I feel so happy for him. His happiness is my happiness too, and that's a wonderful thing. I am so blessed to have him in my life. It doesn't hurt that he is adorable. I literally think he is the cutest baby ever! ;)

So even though it's Mother's Day, and of course Ethan has a ton of great stuff planned for me to enjoy today, I feel like I already have the best gift.

I should give Ethan a little shout out though - he is already going out of his way to make it a great day. First he let me sleep in with my baby boy while he cleaned the whole downstairs. When I got up he had a nice card waiting for me, and he got me two great presents - some new Pyrex glass dishes and some covered casserole dishes that I've been wanting for a long time. Then he made me breakfast and helped give Caleb a bath. Now he's out at the grocery store doing the shopping while I relax at home. Later today, we are going to one of our favorite places, the Salish Lodge (we got engaged and married there) where I will get a facial and then we'll have dinner in their restaurant. This is going to be our first date out without the baby. I'm so spoiled! :)

So happy Mother's Day to everyone out there, whether you are a mother or you just have a Mother. I hope you find a way to make this day special for you and yours.

Sleep! Glorious Sleep!

Caleb started sleeping through the night!!

Sleeping through the night in baby world means at least 6 hours in a row. That's definitely good enough for me right now. We started putting the little monkey in his crib this week on the advice of the other parents in our parent's group. It made a huge difference in everyone's sleep! Caleb immediately went from 'waking up' every 2 or 3 hours to sleeping 4 to 5 hour stretches. Last night, he slept from 10:00 to 5:00am!

I put waking up in quotes because I have realized that what was actually going on was that I was hearing Caleb's normal sleepy fussing and thinking that he needed to get up, so I was actually taking him out of his bassinet and giving him a bottle. With him in the bassinet right next to me, it was very difficult for me not to respond to every little grunt. I didn't really realize that the grunting and fussing is just what he does when he's sleeping. Also, he didn't go back to sleep very quickly after putting him in the bassinet so I would stay awake for 30-45 minutes after giving him a bottle trying to rock him and then eventually putting him in bed with me. The whole process meant mom was getting virtually no sleep at night.

In his crib, for some reason he seems to fall right back asleep without much interference from me, even after his 5am feeding. I have to admit, the transition to the crib was rough for me. I missed him a lot, especially the first few nights, and picturing him alone in his nursery was almost too much and I was very tempted to go get him. Also, he has a very quiet cry, so I was paranoid that I wouldn't hear him crying and he would think I didn't love him (haha I know, I know). I do have a baby monitor...which I sat staring at most of the night the first couple nights, waiting for any sign of distress. It has gotten easier though, once I realized that Caleb was not traumatized from being in his crib. In fact, he almost seems happier in the morning after waking up from a long sleep. I do miss him though. And I admit that I still put him in bed with me after his early morning meal, after Ethan goes to work. I can't give up my snuggle time yet.

So it's gotten easier putting him in his crib, and I do like getting more sleep at night. Last night I got 6 hours almost in a row (I woke up a few times, but was able to fall back asleep pretty quickly), and let me tell you it makes a huge difference in my mood and energy level.

Another thing that's made this a great week is that our nanny Hanna started moved in. She's a tremendous help to me during the day. Just having someone else around to watch the baby for an hour or two at a time so I can have a chance to shower, fold my own laundry, do the dishes, etc, makes me feel so great. Also, it's nice to just have some company during the day. Hanna is really good with the baby, and also just generally very easy to live with and have around the house, so we couldn't be more pleased with her. I know she's going to take great care of Caleb when I go back to work.

I have been making more of an effort to get out of the house (it's a lot easier to do that when I can shower in the morning :D ) and see people. I went to lunch with a friend last week, and we went to our parents group (PEPS - love it - highly recommend!) and I also took Caleb to a Tot Shabbat. Tot Shabbat was great. It's a Jewish Shabbat (Sabbath) Service just for kids and they sing Shabbat songs and drink grape juice and eat Challah bread. It was so cute watching all the other little kids sing songs and play together. I hope to have more opportunities to get Caleb involved in play groups and stuff like that. I think it will be a little tough for me, since I"m going back to work and most of that sort of thing is during the day, but I'm going to make it a priority to block off some of my schedule at least once a week or so for some type of group activity with Caleb, whether its a story hour or Tot Shabbat or whatever. I'm so lucky that I have the type of job that allows that flexibility, and I'm definitely going to take advantage of it.

I can't believe I only have 5 more weeks left before I go back to work. Time is flying by now...it's kind of bittersweet. Every day Caleb gets a little bigger and a little more interactive. He's already out of all of his newborn clothes and can only wear size 0-3. He also smiles a lot more now. We can count on several smiles a day, usually in the morning. He is concentrating better now, and follows toys and lights with his eyes. This week he started grasping at objects with his hands. I don't think he really does it conciously, but he'll definitely open and shut his fingers around almost anything in his range. It's amazing how quickly they change. Life is full of little tiny miracles these days. But while I can't wait to see what the next moment has in store, I can't help but realize that in the blink of an eye these tiny baby days will be over and he'll be crawling, then walking, and someday even driving, so sometimes I wish I could stop time and just keep him this way. :)

But I guess there's always more babies...hehe...Ethan better watch it or we'll end up like the Duggars!

Oh How Life Has Changed

I had lunch plans with someone today, and they cancelled at the last minute. You know who you are :p. Now, it wasn't their fault, and I'm not mad or anything...but..

The thing is, I organized my whole day around that lunch! And it just strikes me as funny because it really brings home to me how different my life is now. Gone are the days when a 1pm lunch date meant sleeping in and plenty of time to get ready. Today I got up at 8:30, which is super early for me. I realize that doesn't seem early to most people, but it means less than 7 hours of sleep for me.

Last night Caleb had dinner at 8:30pm. I was hoping we'd do bath and bedtime by 9:30 or so, and if I were lucky, he'd sleep till midnight, giving me about 2 hours of sleep as well. No such luck. Caleb didn't feel like sleeping after his bath. So he fussed until 10:30pm, and I went ahead and fed him again. By the time he ate, burped, got his diaper changed, and was put in his bassinet it was 11:15. He fussed in his bassinet for a while and didn't want to sleep, so I put him on my chest and he slept in our bed like he usually does. Yes that's right, we bed share with the baby. It's not really by choice, but sometimes you do what you have to do to get some sleep. Finally around 11:30 we went to sleep. He was up at 1:30 to eat. So that's 2 hours of sleep for me.

We got lucky and he went back to sleep (in his bassinet!) by 2:30am and he didn't get up again until 5:30am, so I got another 3 hours (in a row!!). Then he was back asleep by 6:30, and we got up at 8:30. that means I got almost 7 hours of sleep, but all broken up, so it doesn't really feel like 7 hours. Usually I would go back to bed for an hour or two after his 8:30 feeding, but this morning I got up so I could get ready for our 1pm lunch date. Now, you might be thinking 5 hours is more than enough time to get ready. Barely.

Caleb got done eating, burping, and being changed by 9:30. I also had to fit a pumping session in there, so that takes a bit longer. I have mastered the art of pumping and bottle feeding Caleb at the same time. It's not comfortable at all, and sometimes it's messy, but it saves time. Anyway, I got him back in bed and swaddled, hoping he'd go back to sleep. He didn't but oh well, I let him fuss it out while I went downstairs to put dinner in the crock pot - bbq chicken tonight - and put some coffee on. Then I went upstairs to wash the bottles and the pump attachments. By the time I got in the shower it was after 10am. Thankfully Caleb quieted down on his own during this time, allowing momma to have a peaceful shower. I got out of the shower, hooked up the baby monitor and went downstairs to eat breakfast...where I found out that my lunch plans are cancelled.

So now it's after 11, and I was going to go upstairs and get dressed, blow dry my hair, put makeup on and feed Caleb one last time before we go out. It's important to feed the baby as close as possible to the time before leaving the house to avoid fussiness while out and about. Now I don't have to do any of that and I have a whole free 45 minutes while Caleb sleeps. So I have time to blog! yay! And I don't have to put on regular pants and can wear PJ's for most of the day. Another plus. I don't mind wearing regular pants, I just don't have any that actually fit! haha :)

I was kind of looking forward to getting out of the house though. Yesterday I left Caleb with Ethan and took a trip to the grocery store just to have a reason to get out :)

Anyway, if, like me pre-baby, you have ever wondered why people say it takes them forever to get out of the house with a baby, this is why. And I'm sure that my friends who already have babies totally understand what a production it is trying to plan out a day with an infant in tow.

I hope this doesn't sound like a big complaint-fest...it's not really meant to be - more like documentation of my current reality. The day is very routine, just very busy. In a way it's easy to plan things out, even though it takes forever to get around to doing the things that I used to take for granted, like taking a shower and blow-drying my hair. I wonder if life will ever go back to the way it used to be pre-baby. I kind of think it won't, because even though he will eventually sleep through the night, and feeding/burping/changing won't take so much time, there will be other things that take up that time.

I do have a ton more respect for stay at home moms. I always suspected it was a difficult job, and now I know it is! The hard thing about it isn't the work of being a mom - that's great and so rewarding - it's the fact that it just never ends. It's 24/7/365. When you are a stay at home mom, it's like you are always on duty, and nothing ever changes. Of course the routine changes as the baby grows, but it's still the same work, every day, day after day. Even if I leave the baby with Ethan for a while, it's not like I'm having a complete break, because I'm still wearing my mom hat and thinking about how long until the next feeding or whatever. I think it's not the same for Ethan in that way, because he can rely on me to keep track of all of that stuff. It's much easier for him to just put the baby aside and do other things, because he knows that I am on top of it. It's not a criticism, it's just the way things are.

I'm glad I'm going back to work. The hardest thing about that will be missing the 1:1 time with Caleb, but honestly, I'm not one for routine. :) I can't wait to get back to my office and computers and meetings with grown-ups. I know it's going to make me appreciate being with him so much more as well when we do have quality time together.

Mommy Guilt

I think I'm going to have to give up this idea of blogging about "chunks" of time in Caleb's life. When I was pregnant, I blogged weekly about everything that happened in the previous week. Now that Caleb's here, I keep thinking I'm going to catalog the time in this blog, and it's not happening! There is never time to blog and then when there is, I can't seem to remember what happened day to day. The week just sort of blurs together and when I think about an entire stretch of time as long as a week, it seems like nothing has really happened except the routine of taking care of the baby.

I decided instead to just blog about the current moment whenever I get a chance and feel like blogging. So I won't be catching up about Caleb's last dr. appointment (except he's doing great at weighs almost 9 pounds now!), this weeks trip to the office and BRU, and the lacatation consultant.

Right now Caleb is resting on my lap. He just had a full bottle of breastmilk which is great for us because it takes me 2 or 3 pumping sessions to get that much for him. We had a pretty up and down couple of days with breastfeeding this week, which I won't go into all the details, but I was all over the place emotionally - from feeling hopeful thinking that I was finally going to be able to breastfeed normally, to feeling totally frustrated and dissappointed again and having the "this is never going to work" mentality. Finally after much discussion with Ethan, we decided that although if I stick with it, there is a possibility that we could still make this whole breastfeeding thing work, the amount of stress and frustration it is causing me is not worth it and we are better off just bottle feeding. It's such a tough decision for me to make, but ultimately, we have to do what is right for all of the family. I cannot say I don't feel guilty about this, even though everyone tells me I have tried so hard and don't have anything to feel guilty about. I think it's just something I have to deal with and it is what it is...I can't change wishing that things were easier and that the breastfeeding worked out. I sort of morn for my idea of what breastfeeding could have been like, and it's hard for me to let go of that.

There are a lot of things like that for me with parenting. I wish I hadn't had so many preconceived notions of what things should be like, because it does sometimes make it harder for me to just relax and enjoy the way things are. I do love being a mom, but it's moment by moment for me. For example, last night, we had a pretty rough night and Caleb was up from 2:30am to 5am, just fussing. I changed him, fed him, burped him, rocked him, fed him again, and nothing seemed to be working for him. At one point I just buried my face in my pillow and groaned and thought "What was I thinking having a baby?". Of course then I felt horrible even thinking that. Finally Caleb fell asleep on my chest and I put him in his bassinet, still feeling pretty frustrated. When I woke up this morning, Ethan had already gone downstairs and put Caleb in his sleep positioner (little pillows that keep him in place) on the bed next to me. I looked over and saw his sleepy little face, and was so in love with him all over again. So that's what it's like, for me, being a mom. Lots of ups and downs.

Anyway, Caleb just finished his meal, and I had to interrupt my typing because he suddenly got a horrible case of the hiccups and was spitting up a bit with each hiccup. I feel bad when he does that because he hiccups so violently and it just looks pretty uncomfortable! He typically gets the hiccups when he eats...I think it's because he eats pretty fast with the bottle. Also, I think his digestive system is still adjusting and he struggles a little with gas. I can't wait until this constant gassy/fussy/grunting stage is behind us! They say around 3 months is when they are able to regulate their digestive system a little better and it's not such a struggle for them.

Today is a beautiful day, and we are going to take Caleb on his first walk out in the sunshine on the Cedar River Trail in Renton. We've taken Caleb out a lot to stores and to visit people, but this will be our first outing just to enjoy time together as a family, and I'm looking forward to it. :)

Caleb is over 1 month old now. On his 1 month birthday he weight 8lbs and 6oz! That's more than 2 pounds over his birth weight, which is great, especially considering how much he lost the first week.

Things are going well on the homefront. Ethan went back to work, which means that I now take all the night feedings. Caleb gets up to eat every 2 or 3 hours, which means I get up 3 or 4 times a night to feed him. It sucks getting up all the time, but it's not so bad considering I can sleep in as late as I want to in the morning. :)

I was worried about Ethan going back to work, mostly because of the night time feeding issue, but actually it's not a big deal. I sleep in pretty late, and Ethan comes home around 2pm, so really it's not that much time without him around. Our routine is pretty simple right now. After Caleb gets up between 10am and 11am, we both stay up after that.

Caleb has started staying awake after his late morning feeding, so I try to keep him entertained in his swing or I put him in my moby wrap so I can get myself some breakfast and coffee (yay! Having my daily coffee is definitely a highlight!). Then I play with him for a while. Sometimes we do tummy time, but he doesn't do much. He does look at things now, which is fun. He likes to stare at pretty much anything that lights up. Yesterday, I was holding him on my lap and he totally started smiling at the wall. It was so cute! I can't wait until he actually smiles at me in response to me. He doesn't do that yet, but I'm thinking it's right around the corner now.

Anyway, after we play for a while, he will get hungry again around 1 or 2, so I feed him again, and then he usually fusses and then sleeps for a while. Then for the rest of the day, I feed him and he sleeps/fusses off and on. Usually in 2-3 hour intervals. Sometimes he has "calm and awake" time and we read to him or play with him, but that's not very often in the afternoon. Then it's time for bed. I'm trying to get him into a semi-bed time routine, which is eat/bath/book/bed. The start of his bed time is tough to predict though, it depends on when he eats. For example, last night we fed him at about 8:30, then bath at around 9pm, then we read him a book and it was almost 10pm by the time he got in his bassinet. But he didn't want to sleep, so he just fussed off and on and finally at about 11 I got him up to feed him. His actual bed time ended up being close to midnight.

So it's pretty routine right now. I guess my least favorite part of being a parent is the monotony of the routine. feed - sleep, it just never ends. I love being with Caleb, but I am also looking forward to going back to work eventually and having a non-baby centered part of my day to look forward to.

There is more to write about, including Ethan and my joining a new parents group called PEPs, a successful visit to the lactation consultant, and Caleb's first visit to my office to meet my co-workers, but the little guy is waking up and fussing, so that means it's time to feed him. :) I'm going to try to make a part 2 of this post in the next few days.

Almost 3 weeks old

Caleb, Ethan and I have spent the last couple weeks trying to figure out this whole baby thing. :) It's been so busy! We have had a lot of visitors, guests, and appointments. Almost every day we've been out of the house running around - to doctors, the lactation consultant, to the grocery store to get food, or to target or Costco to buy formula and diapers. We've also been out for passover, which was fun and educational (I've never been to a seder before) and we've had several trips to Baby's R Us to get small things we missed. I was getting so exhausted - I told Ethan that I want one day with no appointments or visitors to just spend time with Caleb. Finally today we had a whole day with no appointments, and I didn't have to leave the house. It was awesome!

Caleb is doing really well now. He gained almost a whole pound in the past week and he now weighs over 7 pounds! He's still pretty sleepy, but he's starting to act more like a 'normal' newborn - having a lot more alert time, and even crying more often!

Someone asked me recently what surprised me most about being a parent. That was a tough question for me to answer, because I have to say, honestly almost nothing is like what I expected or planned for, from the birth on. Although honestly I was so focused on the experience of being pregnant, I didn't spend THAT much time thinking about the details of having a baby. The things I did imagine were sort of fuzzy, and very idealistic - visions of peacefully snuggling with the baby (which does happen sometimes, and is very nice). :)

The biggest example of this is probably breastfeeding. I know I talked a little about this in my last blog, but breastfeeding has been a huge struggle for me, and an on-going source of guilt, frustration and disappointment. Caleb was not a great 'sucker' from birth, and this led to problems. Because of his jaundice and weight loss, we started supplementing with formula right from the beginning. From there, he struggled with the SNS system, so we finger fed him. Finally, we started with a bottle. Bottom line is, Caleb has never had one successful breastfeeding session.

I have to confess, I sort of hate breastfeeding him. Every time we try, I get frustrated trying to get him to latch, and then waiting for him to suck and trying to keep him awake. Then even when things seem to be going ok, I know he isn't actually getting anything from me. (we did a before and after weighing at the lactation consultant, and he barely got 12 mLs after over 20 minutes). I pump 8-12 times a day and sometimes more, trying to get breast milk for him, but my milk supply isn't very good, and part of the problem with him learning to breastfeed is that my milk doesn't flow fast enough to keep him interested. I take fenugreek, which isn't helping much. My lactation consultant suggested Reglan, but I'm not sure about the side effects (potential depression), so I'm holding off on that.

I feel really guilty that I don't breastfeed him more and we end up giving him a bottle the majority of the time. It's not so much the nutrition - because I know plenty of formula fed babies that are healthy and thriving. It's the bonding time. I definitely envisioned have a special bond with Caleb that no one else would share, just me and him, and I feel like because I don't breastfeed I am depriving him of that special time. I also feel like it's my fault, even though I know we tried (and are still trying), I feel like maybe I don't try hard enough because I get frustrated with the amount of time and effort it takes to feed him and give up. It's a tough thing for me, but I know at the end of the day he's healthy and growing. I also try to give him extra snuggle time in his moby wrap and sleeping on my chest to make up for it.

Other than feeding Caleb (which is a huge part of life for me right now), he mostly sleeps. Just recently he started staying awake after some feedings, and he looks around at things. He likes lights and faces. I love watching his facial expressions and I can't wait until he starts making eye contact more and smiling at things. Now that he's awake a little more, we are trying out some of his toys. We set up his play gym today and he had his first attempt at tummy time. He really enjoyed looking at the bear that lights up and plays music.

Also, we finally got to start using his cloth diapers the past couple days! We couldn't use them at first because Caleb was so small, and because of his circumcision. I love using cloth diapers! They are cute (though still a bit big on him), and they aren't that hard to put on once you get a little practice. The best thing is that they don't make as much garbage, and you don't have to continually buy new ones. Worrying about running out of diapers and having to spend money on diapers only to go through 2 or 3 at a time during botched a diaper change sucks! The first time I put a cloth diaper on him, it leaked everywhere. But that is because I didn't put it on right. We use the angel wing fold now, and put the prefolded cloth under a Thirsties cover, and it's working out great so far. Here is a picture of the finished baby:

He's definitely a handsome little guy, and I feel so blessed to have him in my life. The best moments are when he falls asleep in my arms or snuggling on Ethan's chest and I watch him sleeping. Being a new parent is hard work, and sometimes it sucks (especially 3am feedings), but those little moments make it all worth it. :)

Bringing home baby

I can't believe Caleb is almost 2 weeks old already! Time is flying, but at the same time it seems like a year since I've been pregnant, so much has happened.

I can't find a way to write a blog post about Caleb's first week home that isn't like 6 pages long, so in the interest of actually getting my blog updated, I'm going to leave out most of the details.

Bringing home Caleb was both the most wonderful and the most stressful time of my life so far. Caleb had some pretty bad jaundice, which made it difficult for him to stay awake long enough to eat, and as a result he lost too much weight and was having trouble keeping his body temperature up. He ended up getting dehydrated and was very lethargic (not crying or moving) which scared us a lot, and we ended up taking him to the emergency room on Wednesday morning, where they checked him back into the hospital for treatment. This ended up being the best thing for us, because after just one night in the hospital on the bili-bed, he was doing 100% better, and we were able to take him back home. Also, in the hospital I had many visits from the doctors and lactation consultants who helped me develop a plan to get Caleb eating and help him gain weight.

Unfortunately, he still has a lot of trouble eating because he basically acts like a preemie, and cannot suck, swallow and breathe at the same time. Because of this, we can't really breastfeed - he latches on, but then falls asleep right away instead of eating. We are using a supplimental nursing system and using a combination of formula and pumped breastmilk to feed him. My supply of breastmilk is OK, but not great - not quite enough to feed him, even though I pump at least 8 times a day and also use fenugreek now to try to make more milk. It's really hard, and sometimes I get frustrated when Caleb won't eat, but I just keep telling myself we are both learning, and doing the best we can. :)

Other than the feeding issues, Caleb is an absolute joy as a baby. He has brief periods of alertness after eating, then usually sleeps soundly for an hour or two, which gives me some time to rest. Now that we are bottle feeding in addition to breastfeeding, we have a little more flexibility with how to feed Caleb and Ethan can also help out, so we are taking shifts at night to make sure one of us is getting at least 5 or 6 hours of sleep at a time. This makes a huge difference in our attitudes and energy levels! I think the first few days home, I got about 8 hours sleep total (from Sunday to Thursday) and I was a total wreck. Now I'm probably averaging 6 hours a day, and I can function pretty well on it.

We are also getting into a pretty good eat/sleep routine, and I am not as nervous and emotional as I was at first. That first week was pretty crazy with hormones! I think I cried (and I mean balled) at least 2 or 3 times a day. Ethan was a champ about calming me down, telling me I was doing a great job, and making sure I was resting as much as possible. One thing that really overwhelms me is having a lot of people over at the house. We had a lot of family visitors this past weekend for Caleb's bris (circumcision) and while I really loved having everyone, by the end of the weekend I was ready to run away from home! :) There is a certain protective instinct that kicks in for me at a certain point and I want to just take Caleb and get him away to myself.

However, I do want to show Caleb off, so if you are interested in visiting us, send me a quick email and we'll figure out a time! Not too many people outside of Ethan's family have met Caleb yet, but I hope no one feels excluded. :)

I guess there will be no more baby/pregnancy updates now that Caleb has arrived, so I'll end this blog with a quick post pregnancy update:

• Since having the baby I lost 16 pounds and I'm now 8 pounds away from my pre-pregnancy weight. I have a feeling that 8 pounds is not going to come off easily, but we'll see.
• I can honestly say I do not miss being pregnant, I love having my body back to myself! I do miss feeling Caleb move inside my belly though.
• Recover from the birth has actually been a lot easier than I thought it would be. I was pretty sore the first week, but now I'm feeling almost back to normal. My stomach is not particularly flabby (well any more than it was before ;P) and my body almost seems like it never was pregnant. So I guess I'm one of those lucky people that bounce back pretty well.

I'm going to try to keep the blog up with information about Caleb as he grows and gets bigger, but probably not with a weekly post. Now I have to wrap this up because we are about to go to the grocery store, which actually seems like a big accomplishment these days ;)

Caleb's birth

Caleb arrived to greet the world this Saturday morning, March 13th at 10:08 am, 51 hours after my water broke.

It’s taking me forever to write this story because I don’t have a lot of time between feeding and caring for the baby, and trying to sleep when I can. I can’t sleep much. I do have brief times for naps, but the problem is I can’t really fall asleep during what should be nap time. It takes me a while to actually fall asleep, and by the time I’m out, its nearly time to get up again, so yeah – it’s been rough. I’m hoping my body adjusts and gets used to napping soon so I can get at least 6 hours a night, I would love that.

Anyway, I’m not skimping on the details in this story, because I want to be able to remember everything later, so if you are squeamish, you might not want to continue reading. The short version is, absolutely nothing went according to my birth plan. I ended up with every intervention I said I didn’t want, except for a c-section (yay!), but at the end of it all, I didn’t care.

My water broke at 4:30 am Thursday morning on the 11th. We were so not ready. I always said I would stay home if my water broke, but when it actually happened, I was really scared. I was only 36 weeks and 5 days, and totally unprepared for that to happen, so I just wanted to get to the hospital and make sure everything was OK in there. We didn’t have a bag packed, so Ethan rushed around putting everything together while I showered and ate. Then we arrived at the hospital at 7am. I was having very minor, inconsistent contractions that felt like Braxton Hicks to me. They didn’t do any internal exams because of the risk of infection after water breaking. My midwife gave me 24 hours with no intervention for labor to start on its own, but nothing was happening. They gave me a sleeping pill to help me rest overnight, and were going to start induction in the morning if I hadn’t started labor on my own. All night I had the same minor, non-painful contractions, about 8-10 minutes apart. I was really hoping they were doing something for me.

Finally, Friday morning, they checked me for the first time and I was not at all dialated or effaced. Baby was -3 station. Basically I was nowhere. I was disappointed but ready to get the show on the road. My midwife started cytotec at about 7am Friday morning, and I started contracting regularly 5-8 minutes apart, but the contractions were very mild. I did have to be continuously monitored at that point and got an IV, which were two things that I didn't want, but at that point it was ok with me. I got to be off the monitors every 2 hours, which was nice, but the IV does limit movement quite a bit. It is not easy to drag those poles around. With the cytotec, they had to check me every 4 hours and reapply it. After three checks, I was still not dialated, and about 20% effaced, which is basically nothing. Caleb also did not descend at all. This was around 8pm Friday night.

At this point, I made the decision to start Pitocin. We didn’t have much choice because my body wasn’t doing anything on its own and if we didn’t get Caleb out, we were headed for a c-section. I had a little emotional breakdown when we told the midwife to start the pit. It was a hard decision for me to make because I was afraid of the pit, and I knew I was so far from my natural birth plan, I felt like a total failure. I cried for a while, and the nurses, midwife and Ethan talked my through it and reassured me that it was what I had to do for Caleb, because it was time for him to come out. Once the Pitocin started I started having more painful contractions right away, 3-5 minutes apart, but they were tolerable. My doula showed up and we started using the hypnobirthing techniques to breathe through the pain. I felt pretty good about getting through the contractions, and was feeling positive that I could still go without an epi at that point. I was even able to sleep a bit (fitfully) between 12am and 2am.

When I woke up at 2am, all of a sudden the contractions were hitting much much harder. I was also having back labor, which was like a bad backache that wrapped around my abdomin to my back. I could no longer talk or walk through contractions, and had to focus. Contractions were about 2-3 minutes apart, but I still felt like I could manage it. Between 2am and 4am, the contractions got progressively worse and closer together until they were less than 2 minutes apart, and the pain was worse than anything I'd ever felt. The hypnobirthing was helping to keep me calm, but I was praying that I was in transition. I started vomiting during contractions and my modesty went out the window. I had to moan to get through the contractions. It was so much more painful than I had imagined. I really though “this must be it, he’s almost here”. Then, my midwife checked me and told me I was only 4cm, but 100% effaced.

And that is when I lost it. I have never felt so scared and discouraged in my life. All I could think was "only 4 cm, I still have 8 hours of this". I don’t know why 8 hours was stuck in my head. I asked for an epi right away, but my Ethan and my doula talked me out of it and told me to get in the tub (this was around 5am I think). So I got in the tub and tried to work through the pain. Contractions were coming about a minute apart, but I got no break between because of the back labor and continuous abdominal pain that didn't stop between contractions. I was so exhausted from the pain that I could not lift myself out of the tub. I don't know how to describe the pain of intense contractions, so I won't try - other than to say that there is an unbearable amount of pressure, like you are trying to hold an elephant inside you.

At that time, I told Ethan that I wanted an epi and I was 100% serious. By the time the epi guy arrived it was about 7. Waiting to get the saline drip in and for him to set up, was the longest half hour of my life. I thought I was going to start screaming when the contractions came, but I used the hypnobirthing as much as possible and managed to lay still on the table. I did say some pretty funny things during that time (I think the f word slipped out more than once). The epi finally started working by 8 am, and I can honestly say it was the best decision I have ever made in my life. The relief was so intense I want to cry just thinking about it! I couldn't feel anything! I slept from 8am to 10am. I never thought I’d be the one to say it, but I would get an epi 100x over after that. If we have more children, I don’t think I’ll even try to not get an epi. I don’t want to ever experience that kind of pain again.

My midwife didn't check me after the epi (only the one time at 4cm) because of how long my water had been broken. They were monitoring my contraction patterns, and at 10am they decided to check because they thought I might be ready to push. Here is the craziest part of the whole story - the baby had already crowned when they checked me!! He crowned while I was sleeping. When I was experiencing the worst pain, I was so close to pushing, I just didn’t realize it! My midwife quickly changed her shirt while the nurse rushed to get the table set up for delivery. About 5 minutes later, they put my legs up on the table and lifted my blanket. Then they saw that Caleb's head and shoulders were out! He delivered himself! I felt only a slight tug as they pulled his body out. It was incredible. The nurse said she'd only seen that happen before a handful of times in 30 years of nursing. I was so surprised that I couldn't believe it and before I knew it he was on my chest, crying. We were in love immediately. They dried him off a little, and we snuggled skin to skin, then tried to breastfeed. After a while, they took him and gave him a bath and we've been together ever since.

A lot more has happened this week, and being a new mom is exhausting but so wonderful and full of little surprises. I love Caleb more each day that goes by, and I hate the thought that the days are already passing and he’s already growing – I just want him to stay this way.

I am working on getting pictures posted on Facebook. We are taking tons! We also have some cool video of him that we are trying to figure out how to post.

Whew, I’m glad I got this done! Now it’s off for another feeding. 

36 Weeks

Only 4 weeks to go! Wow! I can't wait. People keep asking me if I'm nervous but I'm not nervous! I'm just really excited. I feel like "bring it on baby". We are ready. We've been preparing so much. I'm sure that it will be a big change, and a big shock, but I don't care. I'm tired of waiting.

Plus, this week the hormones must be kicking it into high gear because my emotions have been all over the place. I've been super irritable and crabby, and everything seems to set me off. Also, I don't know if I'm nesting yet, but I hardly want to leave the house. I just want to stay home.

Speaking of nesting, we got a Dyson Animal vacuum cleaner this weekend! I LOVE it! I wish we'd gotten it a lot sooner. Like most people with a cat and dog, we have a pet hair problem. We vacuum with our old vacuum, but of course the carpet still has hair all over, and I didn't like the thought of Caleb crawling around in all that pet hair. The Dyson is amazing! You literally wouldn't believe all the hair and dirt it picks up. Now I can crawl all over the carpet in black pants and not be hairy! This vacuum really is amazing.

We also bought a bassinet this weekend. We were just going to use the pack and play in the bedroom, but I got nervous after reading some warnings that it's not approved for infant sleeping (only supervised napping according to Graco). So we moved the pack and play downstairs, and bought a bassinet for our bedroom. I'm glad we did, but between that and Dyson, we did drop a lot of cash this weekend! ugh.

I had a midwife appointment, and this was my last appointment before moving to weekly appointments. Everything is still going well. My belly measured at 35 centimeters, which was just perfect for how far along I am. Caleb's heart rate was a healthy range, and I have gained 2 more pounds, which was good. I'm supposed to be gaining about a pound a week now, but I don't think I will. I guess we'll see - it's getting hard to really pig out. I can still eat good amounts of food, but I get full quickly and I get heartburn really REALLY bad if I eat too much at night. I mean, painful, cannot lie down, cannot sleep heartburn. So it's pretty good motivation to eat smaller dinners.

Ethan and I are still practicing the Hypnobirthing relaxation techniques for labor. We have our final meeting with the doula next weekend. Between Ethan's school and my being exhuasted and crabby after work, it's hard to find the time to practice together, but we are doing our best. The good news is, this is Ethan's last week of school! Ever! He's finally done with his MBA. I am so happy for him and for me, because I'll finally have my husband back. Night school on top of working is really a huge commitment. We planned it out so that we wouldn't have a baby before he was done, and things did line up just about perfectly.

Next week, we will celebrate Ethan's graduation just the two of us by going to the Salish, which is the place we got married. I also have a midwife appointment, and we want to get the hospital bag packed and ready and the carseat installed so that in case Caleb comes early, we'll be good to go. Here is the baby update for the week:

How far along? 36 weeks 2 days

Total weight gain/loss: +24 pounds total. Not bad!

Maternity clothes? Yeah, I'm down to three pairs of pants that I can comfortably wear at this point. I have a ton of shirts and sweaters, so at least that's good. here's hoping that my pants hold out for another 4-5 weeks! I'm not loving wearing the same pants over and over, but at this point I really don't want to buy more!

Sleep: Oh sleep was so rough this week! Monday through Thursday I think I got about 4 hours a night average. I had insomnia, combined with being sick (stuffy). The last few days have been much better thankfully.

Best moment this week: Getting our Dyson Vaccuum cleaner! I finally feel like the floors are clean enough for baby.

Movement: Movement has slowed down this week. I asked the midwife about it and she said it's normal because Caleb is getting too big to move a ton. I still feel him poking me and shifting around, but less big movements. Sometimes, it is really uncomfortable when he moves at this point. He likes to poke his knee out and it's like something sharp is poking me inside my stomach. I still like feeling him move though, because I get nervous when I don't think he's moving enough.

Food cravings: Nope - If anything its getting harder to eat. I usually have a pretty good appetite in the afternoon, but by dinner time I could care less and don't like to eat much.

Labor signs: Caleb is head down now! That's great news, but other than that, no signs of labor. Soon he should "drop" or lower down into the birth canal. That usually happens a couple weeks before birth for a first time baby, but it could happen any time really.

Belly Button in or out? I'm still an innie, but the top of my belly button sort of pokes out and makes a bump in my shirt.

What I miss: Not being crabby and emotional

What I am looking forward to:Delivery. I think this is going to be the same every week from here on out. I want Caleb to be born!

Milestones: I'm moving on to weekly Dr. appointments from here on out!

This Week: Your baby is still packing on the pounds — at the rate of about an ounce a day. She now weighs almost 6 pounds (like a crenshaw melon) and is more than 18 1/2 inches long. She's shedding most of the downy covering of hair that covered her body as well as the vernix caseosa, the waxy substance that covered and protected her skin during her nine-month amniotic bath. Your baby swallows both of these substances, along with other secretions, resulting in a blackish mixture, called meconium, will form the contents of her first bowel movement.

35 Weeks

Uuuugh. Ok, seriously, I'm in the mood to whine, so I'll keep this short. First of all, this is not a great picture of me. I look like a house! yuck. What happened? :( Next week better look better - I don't want to spend month looking like this. Poo

Second, I have been sick all weekend, and now I am very tired, have a headache, and not looking forward to working tomorrow. I kind of lost my voice today, and I have a weird sort of squeaky teenage boy voice. Hopefully it goes away before work tomorrow. I don't need another reason for people to ask me how I'm doing :p

Caleb was a busy busy guy this week. He kicks (or punches) me in the hip a lot, which is a weird feeling. I'm thinking "How did you get all the way over there??". He also gets the hiccups at least 3 or 4 times a day, and the bigger he gets the more I can really feel him hiccuping. I took a video of him moving around in my stomach, but I haven't figured out how to upload it to my computer yet. When I do, I'll post it on my blog.

I *think* Caleb is head down right now, but it's hard for me to tell. The midwife couldn't tell last time if he was head down or not, so she is going to check again at my appointment on Wednesday. Unfortunately, if he isn't head down by now, that means he may not turn on his own and I'll have to do some things, like chiropractic work, or a version (painful - the doctor squishes your stomach around and tries to flip the baby) to get him to turn. If he still won't turn by 40 weeks, that's a c-section for me. So here's hoping he is upside down at this point. I'm not too worried about it, there's still time.

We had our 2nd hypnobirthing class with our doula on Saturday. We practiced some relaxation techniques for dealing with contractions, and talked a lot about what labor would be like (based on the average labor). Ethan and I have exercises to do at home. I have to hold a bag of ice in my hand for a minute and practice deep breathing and visualization techniques. It's supposed to be like a simulated contraction. I think the main lesson is that time goes by much faster when you are practicing the relaxation techniques, and it really helps focus your mind off of the pain. We also went to the store and got some aromatherapy oils for the labor room, and we are picking out music to listen to also. The idea is to create a very calming spa-like environment. We are having fun with it, and I'm looking forward to the birth. I just hope everything goes smoothly so that we can at least try some of the stuff we are practicing.

I have weekly midwife appointments from here on out. I can't believe that it's already that time! Ethan tried (unsuccessfully) to put the carseat in this weekend, and next weekend we'll probably start gathering up the stuff we want to take to the hospital so that we are ready when the time comes. Since it was hard for Ethan to put the carseat base in (I guess it's just tough to get it tight enough), we will have to ask them to help us at the inspection place. I'm going to try to find a place that does inspections on a weekend so that Ethan and I can go together and see how it's done.

I'm going to skip the baby update for the week - I don't have that much to add anyway. Caleb is about 5 and 1/2 pounds now according to the averages. Check out babycenter.com for more info!

34 Weeks!

34 weeks is a pregnancy milestone because at this point, 99% of babies born will do fine with no long term problems. So hooray for Caleb making it this far!

Wow, well I am officially laughing at myself for feeling "huge" at 20 weeks. I read back some of my old blogs last week and yeah, I had no bump really. Of course, when you are used to seeing your body a certain way, all the changes can seem much bigger to you than they do to other people. At this point, it seems like I get bigger almost every day! With more than a month left, it's funny to think how big I'm going to be before it's all over. What's even funnier is that I have a relatively small belly for a pregnant woman this far along. I'm grateful for that, because I can see how uncomfortable it gets.

I got a hair cut this week, and it feels great to have short hair again! I didn't realize how long it had gotten. I don't love having long hair because my hair is very thick and it just gets unmanageable when it's long. I don't have the patience to style it every day so it ends up all frizzy and bumpy looking. Honestly, it never occurred to me that short hair will help with a baby (I guess they like to pull hair), but now that everyone has pointed out how much easier it will be with short hair and a baby, I am going to make an effort to keep it cut! My hair grows insanely fast, so it will be long again within six months if I don't keep getting it cut.

This week Ethan and I had our last baby class. We toured the hospital and we learned about breathing techniques. We also went to an infant car seat/safety class. I actually didn't want to go to that class - I just wanted Ethan to go and figure out how to install the carseat. That's because I'm lazy :) However, I learned a lot that I didn't know. For example, I learned that babies can't go in a boat until 18 months because they don't have life jackets for them. Who knew. Of course I guess it's common sense. We also learned all about how to install the carseat. We'll probably put it in next weekend so that it's ready just in case Caleb comes early.

Other than the classes, we didn't have too much going on this week and it was nice to have some down time. On the weekend I just relaxed and then we went to dinner with my sister and her husband Neil, and also Neil's parents. Neils parents got us the cutest wooden toys for Caleb:


It's awesome how generous people are and how many people want to do something nice for us and the baby.

This week we have another hypno-birthing class. It's also Purim on Friday and we are going to shabbat and the Purim carnival at the temple. That should be pretty fun :)

Here is the baby update for the week from baby center:

How far along? 34 weeks 2 days

Sleep: Sleep was ok this week. It is starting to get a little bit uncomfortable, but not that bad.

Best moment this week: Probably just the whole weekend we got to spend relaxing.

Movement: Yeah, but Calebs movements have definitely changed. I don't feel him moving as often, but I feel him moving pretty consistently after meals. Also, he always used to be most active at night, but now he is more active during the day after I eat, and seems pretty chill at night. When he does move he isn't kicking as often, it's more rolling and nudging. I think he just doesn't have much room since he's getting bigger. He does get the hiccups a lot lately though! My doula said that getting the hiccups is part of their neurological development, so I guess that's a good thing!

Labor signs: Nope. Lots of braxton hicks.

Belly Button in or out? In

What I miss: I miss being able to do what I want physically, like going on a hike or whatever. Especially during beautiful sunny weather.

What I am looking forward to: Long-term - Caleb getting here of course. Short term, not too much going on this week honestly

This Week: (from BabyCenter)
Your baby now weighs about 4 3/4 pounds (like your average cantaloupe) and is almost 18 inches long. Her fat layers — which will help regulate her body temperature once she's born — are filling her out, making her rounder. Her skin is also smoother than ever. Her central nervous system is maturing and her lungs are continuing to mature as well. If you've been nervous about preterm labor, you'll be happy to know that babies born between 34 and 37 weeks who have no other health problems generally do fine. They may need a short stay in the neonatal nursery and may have a few short-term health issues, but in the long run, they usually do as well as full-term babies.

33 Weeks - Thoughts on birth

33 weeks down, 7 to go! I had my midwife appointment this week and everything is going really well. Caleb is growing right on track, and his heart rate is perfect. I am also doing well - my blood pressure is back in the normal range (it was elevated while I had my cold) and my weight gain is still on track. I'm not +22 for the whole pregnancy. I feel fine about that. Like I said before, I just want to keep it under 30. Obviously Caleb is getting bigger right now, so 1 pound a week is expected for the next few weeks. 1/2 of that goes straight to baby, who is gaining .5 pounds a week.

This was a busy week. Of course it was Valentine's day. We had a great V-day. Ethan got me delicious chocolate covered strawberries which were delivered on Thursday, and then on the weekend, we made a very tasty meal together with steak, twice-baked potatoes and a chocolate cake for desert:


We also had our hospital led birth class this week, which covered c-sections and post partum recovery. Basically the class reinforced my idea that I don't really want visitors for the first week after the birth, because honestly, I'm probably going to be a mess and visits won't be fun for anyone. If any of you have seen me when I'm sick or just tired, you'd know that I'm not pleasant to be around :p

We also had our first hypnobirthing class with our doula. Hypnobirthing, in case you don't know, is basically a relaxation technique to help women relax and deal effectively with contractions without tensing up. Tensing up during labor is bad because it can slow the rate of labor and cause additional stress on the baby. Hypnobirthing is useful whether you are planning a natural labor or whether you plan to get pain meds, and the techniques are good for any scenario. I really like meditation and relaxation, and so far I'm finding the classes valuable. My doula also teaching the hypnobirthing, so it's a good way to get to know her better and bond with her before the birth.

Speaking of birth, it's obviously something I've been thinking and researching a lot about lately and I definitely have some opinions on the matter :) I'm about to get up on my soapbox now, so if that bothers you you might want to stop reading.

One thing that I've noticed a lot since becoming pregnant is that our culture surrounding birth is pretty screwed up. No offense to anyone out there, but almost everyone I talk to describes birth as a traumatic, scary, and painful event. It's interesting, because I really don't think it has to be that way. I think it can be a beautiful experience, although of course bad things can happen as well. I get frustrated with hearing birth stories sometimes, because often it seems like a lot of the choices are left out. For example, I might read a birth story about someone who planned to have an intervention free birth, but then their water broke at home, so they went to the hospital and within 1 hour of being checked in, were put on pitocin. The pitocin made the contractions too strong to bear, so they got an epidural. The epidural made them unable to push effectively, which lengthened the time of pushing. That combined with the strength of the pitocin led contractions caused the baby to be in distress, so the baby was sucked out with a vacuum extractor. That's an example of someone's birth plan going out the window right? But hey, the baby was born healthy so it was a successful birth, because ultimately the health of the baby is more important than the type of experience the birth mother has.

Uh...I guess it was a successful birth, but it was also a lucky birth, because as soon as pitocin is introduced to start labor that has not started on it's own, the risk of c-section goes up to 50%. I don't want to take those kind of chances for no good reason! (by the way this is not based on anyone I know - I read this birth story on a message board today)

So I would ask the mom, why did you let them put you on pitocin right away in the hospital? Was the baby in distress, or did they just want to speed up labor to get the baby out sooner because your water broke? Hospitals routinely start pitocin within a few hours of a woman's water breaking, whether or not she is experiencing contractions. This is because they want to deliver the baby within 24 hours. Studies have shown that after 24 hours the chance of uterine infection goes up. What they don't tell you is that the main reason that the incidence of uterine infection goes up is because bacteria is introduced, primarily through internal exams. On the other hand, if left alone, 85% of women will go into labor on their own within 8 to 12 hours of their water breaking with no additional intervention. Part of the reason I'm choosing a midwife and a doula is because I know that they won't push those kinds of interventions on me and in fact will support me in my choices not to have interventions unless the baby is in distress.

The whole water breaking = pitocin story is just one example. There are several of these scenarios. Another common one is inducing a woman at 41 weeks because it's hospital policy. Another one is that the baby is going to be too big (based on a growth ultrasound) to be delivered normally if he or she is allowed to continue to grow. It's really kind of shocking how many women are induced, or "augmented", in this country. There are OBGYNs out there who have delivered thousands of babies and only seen a handful of successful natural births!

I think it's because our culture sort of espouses the theory that women's bodies are not actually capable of giving birth, and if left to their own devices, we'd just all suffer gruesome births and even death. The reality is that most hospitals have a 30% + c-section rate and despite all our interventions, we have one of the highest maternal/fetal death rates in the developed world. On the other hand, countries like the Netherlands, where 1/3 of the women have home births, have much lower c-section rates and better outcomes for the mother and baby.

So anyhoo, I will get off my soapbox, but it's just something to think about. It's not even that I really feel that strongly about experiencing a natural birth (Although I'm genuinely not scared of labor. Even though I accept that it will be painful at times, I think it's a meaningful type of pain, and it's necessary, so why waste time being scared about it). The truth is I hate the idea of getting a c-section, I'm scared of pitocin and what it could do to me and my baby, and I really don't want to be stuck in a bed on an IV drip and unable to move my legs and walk around. Also, the recovery time is faster during a natural birth. If I all my plans go out the window, then so be it. I'm not going to be depressed over it, as long as Caleb is healthy. But at least I'll know it's not for lack education about the process.

It's getting late now and I have to work tomorrow, so I'm skipping the baby update for the week. This coming week is our last baby class and we'll be taking a tour of the labor and delivery section of the Birth Center! We also have a home and car seat safety class where Ethan will learn how to install the car seat. Should be an interesting week!

32 Weeks

I can't believe I have less than 2 months to go!! I'm so excited! I have a feeling the next month or so is going to drag on - not because of discomfort, but because it's like the night before Christmas x100. The more you anticipate something, the longer it seems to take to happen.

I actually really like this pregnant picture of me. I don't usually say that about pictures of myself, but this one is cute...the belly is popping out! I feel like I finally look "obviously" pregnant. I was in the "is she or isn't she stage" for a long time, mostly because I'm so tall and my belly really didn't pop out as much as some women. I admit, I did get a little tired of the "you're belly is so small for XX weeks along!" comments (because having gained like 20 pounds, what does that say about the rest of me?? haha) - but I think pregnant women also get tired of the "OhMiGosh you're so big!" and (god forbid) "Are you sure you aren't having twins??" comments. You just can't win with us. :p

This was kind of a crazy week for Ethan and I. We are dog sitting my sister's six month old schnoodle, Napolean. He is so cute, but he's definitely a handful! He's the type of dog that needs to be entertained, and he doesn't seem content to lay around and sleep all day like our lazy dog Abbey. Fortunately, Abbey does a pretty good job of keeping him busy. It's pretty funny to watch them together because Abbey is just about the most relaxed, chill dog you'd ever meet, She let's Napolean jump on her back and chew her ears for hours. Unfortunately, poor Abbey got really sick this week. She got Giardia of all things, which is an intestinal infection caused by a parasite that usually lives in stream water. I don't know how she got it because we haven't been hiking in months! She was really sick, and I had to stay home from work (or work from home that is) to take care of her. She went to the vet twice and took lots of meds and she's finally better. It's hard when a pet get's sick, and it makes me think about how sad it will be watching Caleb get sick someday with his first cold or flu. C'est la vie I guess.

Caleb had a busy week inside my tummy. He flipped over multiple times, judging by all the different locations that I feel him getting the hiccups. He also spends a lot of time rolling around and wriggling his body in there. He doesn't kick me hard all that much, mostly he just squirms, but when he does kick me, it's pretty intense! He's a strong little guy. I can tell he's getting big too, because I can feel his body under my skin, all along my waist from top to bottom when he is stretched out. Sometimes he is in the "transverse" or sideways position, and his head is above my right hip while his feet are above my left hip. That's pretty funny because he kicks me in the side and my side pokes out. I think he's almost to the point where he is too big to keep flipping around, so I hope he gets himself head down at some point in the next few weeks and stays that way! Hospitals rarely deliver breech babies anymore, so if he doesn't eventually go head down, that will be an automatic c-section for me. Fortunately most babies flip around by themselves by 36 weeks or so.

Pregnancy is fine right now. My only complaints are the tiredness, and the off and on nausea. It seems like recently my brain has forgotten how to be hungry, and only gets mildly nauseas. So as soon as I start to feel nauseas, I eat and that helps. Except then I get heartburn. Oh well! I'm betting I gain a lot of weight over the next couple months, but I'm just totally beyond caring at this point. I figure I've done really good up to this point, so even if I gain more than a pound a week, I'll still be fine overall. We'll see if this attitude holds up after my next weigh in. hehe.

Overall, I'm so so grateful that things are going so well with my pregnancy, and all my complaints are so minor. As long as Caleb is growing and healthy, I hope he stays in there as long as he needs to. I have a couple of friends that delivered really early, and I have experienced only a fraction of what they are going through via pictures and visits. I can't pretend to know what it's like, but I wouldn't wish that kind of stress on my worse enemy. It has to be one of the hardest things in the world to watch your baby in the NICU, hoping that he is going to be ok, and being powerless to do much to help him, not even being able to hold him when he is in pain. At the same time, it is incredible how strong babies are, and how much they can survive and still come out OK. Life really is a miracle!

In other news, we got an AWESOME (it deserves to be in caps) present from Caleb's God-Mother and honorary Aunt Stephanie. We knew for a while that Steph was making something special for Caleb, but we were so surprised when we got it in the mail this week! She made him a memory box. It's so cool! She decorated it with all kinds of cute stickers:


Inside the box is a photo album just for Caleb to put the pictures of all the fun things they are going to do together:

She also wrote him a beautiful note and got a little Precious Moments figurine that is on display in the nursery for now, but can eventually go in the box for Caleb to have when he is older. The doll is holding a picture that says "My Godmother and Me". This is definitely hands-down the most thoughtful thing that anyone has done for Caleb so far. I can't wait until Stephanie and him can start filling it up with all their fun memories that they are going to make together.


Caleb is lucky to have such a wonderful God-Mother!

This week in baby class we talked about labor and delivery some more. They went over all the options for pain medication, which was good to hear about even though I hope to avoid it. Next week will be about post-partum recovery, and then we only have one more class! Also next week we will have our first hypno-birthing class with our doula, and I will have my midwife appointment on Wednesday. It's going to be a busy week!

Right now, Ethan and I are just relaxing at home after our morning errands (grocery shopping and laundry) and watching the Super Bowl. I guess we are rooting for the Colts, but since the Seahawks aren't in, I don't care too much. I mostly watch for the commercials :)

Here is the baby update for the week:

How far along? 32 weeks 2 days

Sleep: I'm over my cold/sinus problems, so sleep is back to "normal" for pregnancy. I still have a little bit of pregnancy insomnia, which means that sometimes when I wake up during one of the half dozen bathroom breaks I take in the middle of the night, I can't fall back to sleep. But it's not horrible.

Best moment this week: Getting the present from Stephanie in the mail.

Movement: Yup! Caleb is full of energy this week (see above)

Labor signs: Nope - not yet!

Belly Button in or out? In

What I miss: Not being tired.

What I am looking forward to: Lots this week! I have my mid-wife appointment on Wednesday and I'm going to ask lots of questions about labor. We also have our first hypnobirthing class this week.

This Week: (from BabyCenter)

By now, your baby weighs 3.75 pounds (pick up a large jicama) and is about 16.7 inches long, taking up a lot of space in your uterus. You're gaining about a pound a week and roughly half of that goes right to your baby. In fact, she'll gain a third to half of her birth weight during the next 7 weeks as she fattens up for survival outside the womb. She now has toenails, fingernails, and real hair (or at least respectable peach fuzz). Her skin is becoming soft and smooth as she plumps up in preparation for birth.

7 months pregnant!

31 Weeks:
30 weeks:



Oops I skipped a week! Last weekend I ended up with a bad cold, and I just wasn't in the mood to post. So I guess I have a lot to catch up on this week. I am actually still a bit sick - I can't believe how that cold totally knocked me for a loop. I'm just grateful it wasn't the flu.

However, I don't know if it's a third trimester thing, or just me (plus maybe I'm still recovering from that cold - my sinuses are definitely still a mess) but I'm so exhausted! The exhaustion is almost as bad as the first few weeks of 1st trimester. I slept probably 9-10 hours last night but it feels like I haven't slept days. I could literally just stay in bed and nap off and on all day long. Yuck! I hope this doesn't last all through the next 6-11 weeks until Caleb gets here. But if it does, I'm sure it will all be worth it in the end.

It's been a busy couple weeks. The week before last we learned a lot about breast feeding. In baby class the whole 3 hours was about feeding baby. Ethan was surprised to find out that I am already making milk. I guess I started making milk sometime in the 2nd trimester. We also learned about how the baby latches on and how often they are supposed to eat the first few weeks. I guess I will just be a baby feeding machine. Also that week, I went to another breast feeding class called "Breast Feeding and the Working Mother". This class was mostly about pumping and how to maintain a milk supply while at work. I learned some useful information, but mostly it seems like pumping is going to be a pain in the ass. :)

Baby class last week was the first part of the four classes devoted to labor and delivery. We learned about the patterns of contractions, and the three phases of labor. It was actually pretty interesting to learn about what to expect, how long typical contractions last, and what is actually happening to your body while having contractions. We watched a video at the end of class that showed different women in labor and they talked about their birth experiences. Ethan and I are hoping to have a natural (drug and intervention free) labor if everything goes well, so I'm trying to learn as much as possible about the process in hopes of being prepared. One thing that really helps me is thinking about the fact that you get a break between contractions to recover from the pain and prepare for the next one. Also, we'll have a doula so I think that will really help both of us stay focused.

Over the weekend(s), we washed all of Caleb's baby things. We put away all the great stuff we got at the baby shower, and trust me, the nursery is well stocked! Caleb has a complete wardrobe from new born all the way through 24 months. I think I had to do four loads of laundry to wash it all. He now has so many clothes that we couldn't fit them all in the closet and had to store everything over six months! We are just going to have to change him frequently to make sure he gets to wear all of his cute newborn stuff.

We took a couple of final trips to Baby's R Us to pick up the rest of the stuff we need - mostly bigger items like the Pack 'N Play and the swing. Ethan has been busily assembling stuff and I'm just trying to clean up the mess of boxes and packing materials left behind. It's great to have everything ahead of time, and I love to go into the nursery and see it all set up. It's fun to go through all Calebs things and imagine him using them. I just can't wait for him to get here and be home with me. It's only 6 weeks until I am considered "full term", meaning that if Caleb is born then, he shouldn't have any problems and should be able to come straight home from the hospital. I know it's going to go by fast, but at the same time, it feels like forever.

Work is getting a little tiresome at this point. I love my job and normally I really don't mind going to work, but lately I just want to stay home, sleep, and think about the baby. It's probably a good thing that I do have something to get me out of the house, so I don't drive myself stir-crazy waiting, but I'm definitely living for the weekends at this point! So I'm off to enjoy the rest of my Sunday afternoon. I am deciding whether I should take a nap, or make some chocolate chip cookies. They both sound good - but cookies are more work, so I'm leaning towards nap at this point.

Here is the baby update for the week:

How far along? 31 weeks 3 days

Total weight gain: I think I actually lost a pound while I was sick, so according to the doctors office scale I'm +17 pounds total now. My next midwife appointment is two weeks away, so we'll see if I make up for it then :)

Maternity clothes? I'm really glad I broke down and bought new maternity clothes. My larger wardrobe is so much more comfy. On the weekends, I've taken to hanging out in yoga pants or sweat pants most of the time, and I don't even care if that's not really getting dressed. Comfort is key right now.

Sleep: Sleeping while having a cold and being pregnant is rough. I think I finally got over my insomnia though, because I can definitely sleep all night now and although I'm still waking up, I seem to fall back asleep more easily.

Best moment this week: I loved washing and putting away Caleb's clothes and blankets. Oh, also, I got my cloth diapers in the mail this week! That was so much fun and they are cute! I love them. I can't wait to try them out on him.

Movement: I had a couple of days where Caleb barely moved. I still got ten kicks in an hour, but it just seemed like he was being super lazy in there. The past few days though, he's been making up for it with lots of belly dancing.

Labor signs: Just more braxton hicks.

Belly Button in or out? In. The top part sort of sticks out though.

What I miss: breathing normally (dang cold), and I miss the 2nd trimester "energy". I wouldn't call it energy actually, but I think the contrast between sheer exhaustion, and feeling halfway decent, is pretty steep.

What I am looking forward to: Ugh. This is a tough one! I'm looking forward to sleeping tonight.

This Week: (from thebump.com)

Baby’s energy is surging, thanks to the formation of white fat deposits beneath the skin. (Have those kicks and jabs to the ribs tipped you off yet?) Baby is also settling into sleep and waking cycles, though -- as you’ve also probably noticed -- they don’t necessarily coincide with your own. Also this month, all five senses are finally functional, and the brain and nervous system are going through major developments.

29 Weeks

It was a busy weekend and I'm tired! Last week was packed with baby stuff.

On Tuesday, Ethan and I had our first baby class. The classes are at the hospital where I will deliver and they are three hours long for 6 weeks. The class was OK - it was a little boring, but we did learn some interesting things. We learned the terminology that they will use during the delivery, like what an APGAR score is. We also practiced diapering and changing a baby. That was fun because they had cloth diapers and we got to practice with them. It was funny watching Ethan changing the diapers and trying to get the baby onesy on. It took him a while to figure out how to get the onesy over the baby's arms, but I have to say overall he was pretty good!

this weekend. The pictures are already on facebook, so I won't double post them here, but it was really well done. My sister Carrie went all out decorating and planning games for the shower. Some of my favorites were the cake shaped like a bear (it was so cute!), the poems that everyone wrote for me during the poem game, and the belly measuring game where my friend Jenny guessed the size of my belly by measuring her own belly :)

We got so many wonderful gifts for Caleb! We definitely have a lot of clothes for him to wear now, but I know he's going to grow so fast and go through a million outfits, so it's great to be well stocked up. The baby clothes that everyone picked out are so fricken cute! I especially love the footy ones that have little animal feet. I admit, I did get a little burned out opening all the presents at the shower, but that was mostly because I didn't want all the guests to get bored, so I was trying to rush through the gift opening. After the shower, I went upstairs and unpacked the gifts in the nursery and got a chance to really admire everything, it was so much fun.

But more than the food, games, and gifts, I was just so happy to see my friends there and I felt so loved by everyone :) I am really blessed to have such great people in my life that take the time out of their busy schedules to come celebrate Caleb with me. I really do appreciate it.

Now that the baby shower is over, I feel a little bit like the "fun" part of pregnancy is over. I know, I should enjoy the whole journey - but I can definitely see how I will want to be done by the end. I feel pretty good still, and I'm lucky that my stomach is not so huge, and I don't have back aches and all that. I also haven't gotten any stretch marks yet, which is awesome! I think they are coming though, so we'll see. Everyone keeps telling me to put lotion on, but honestly, I don't think it will do any good. You either get the stretchies or you don't.

Even though physically, I'm feeling good, I don't like this business of continually getting larger. I feel clumsy and unwieldy with this big belly, and I don't like not being able to move around freely. It's also starting to get frustrating that I can't just start working out a bit harder and cut back on the cake and be able to put on my old jeans again, which is what I usually do after the holidays. I'm trying to be patient, but it seems like it will be a long time before I get to have my body back to myself again! I feel a bit guilty for feeling this way, because of course it's totally selfish of me, and I should be happy that I get to bring Caleb into the world and that we are both healthy so far :)

This week, we officially found our nanny! We offered the job to an old friend of mine, Hanna, who is actually my best friend Tonya's younger sister. She accepted and she's going to be joining us after Caleb is born. Ethan and I are so excited, and more than a little relieved, that we found someone who will take good care of Caleb and will also fit in well with our little family. Hanna was a nanny before for a couple years, and she is interested in pursuing early childhood education as a career, so I know she's going to be great for Caleb. It's definitely nice to not have to worry about daycare for the first year or so, because although I think daycare is wonderful for social interaction when the baby is a bit older, I am nervous about putting a newborn in daycare.

So, it was a busy week. I'm hoping this week is a bit more relaxing. Now it's time to go watch How I Met Your Mother and fold laundry. I love Monday nights :) I'm being lazy, and I'm going to skip the baby update this week (it will be back next week) - but you can go to babycenter.com and look at 29 weeks if you want to read what Caleb is up to this week.